


By Any Other Name

by WithYouTilTheEndoftheLine



Category: The Strain (TV)
Genre: F/M, angst with a potential happy ending though!, come on show, started out humor, unbreak my heaaaart, went into angst
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-09-26
Updated: 2016-09-26
Packaged: 2018-08-17 12:48:06
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 801
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8144587
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/WithYouTilTheEndoftheLine/pseuds/WithYouTilTheEndoftheLine
Summary: "Your mom and dad really name you Dutch?"





	

They were heading back down from the roof when Fet asked, "Your mom and dad really name you Dutch?"

She glanced back at him. "Yep."

She was lying; they both knew it. But they had a nice thing going on right now, light and teasing, and a non-answer felt more suited to that. 

"You going to tell me?" he asked, and she could hear the smile in his voice.

"No."

***

From that day on, they played the game. 

In the pool, he'd guessed, "Brunhilda?" and she'd laughed. 

"Oh my god. Do I look like a Brunhilda to you?"

"I don't know," he'd said, expression all innocence. "You won't tell me." 

On a hunting mission, the two of them being as quiet as possible because neither knew which room the vamps might be in, communicating largely through hand signals. And then he'd held up a notebook, with a scribbled "Ruth?" on the page, and she'd barely been able to stifle a laugh.

In bed, when he'd slipped his hand between her legs. "Your name?" 

"Unfair," she'd gasped, because he had to know that she'd give him her SSN so long as he kept doing that. (assuming she could remember it at that point...)

"Interesting name," he'd whispered, leaning down to kiss her. She'd grinned and kissed him back, wrapping her arms around his shoulders and clinging to him, trying to press as much of her skin against his as she could. 

And she'd forgotten how much _fun_ sex could be; with her and Nikki lately there'd always been a preceding argument, everything keyed up and emotional and it was good, yeah, never any denying that, but it had been a long time since she'd done this for the joy of it, rather than as an apology or a reassurance. 

Then Eichorst.

And after she was free, after she was home, she'd curled up next to Fet in bed and tried futilely to go to sleep. Finally, he'd asked, "How about Anna?"

It was that, even more than the feel of his body against hers now or his hand stroking her hair on the way back home, that let her know things could be all right again. She would never be the same after the white room-- how could anyone be?-- but she could have an escape. Teasing conversations with Fet and nights when they knew they should sleep because they'd be up at dawn hunting but they didn't want to stop touching each other and him needling her about her complete inability to cook.

But that's all it was, she thought the next morning, the knowledge coming unbidden and refusing to leave, sticking in her mind like a burr. An escape, a temporary thing. Because sooner or later he would realize all the things Nikki had, he would see her for what she honestly was, and she didn't think she could bear that. Couldn't bear to see the affection in his eyes turn to suspicion and exasperation.

Besides, what right did she have to desert Nikki entirely, to leave it only for her mother to put up missing posters as if they'd never had anything at all?

She had to at least try. She owed Nikki that much-- owed _herself_ that much. Had to see if she could actually see something through for once in her life even after it had gotten difficult.

And maybe Nikki wouldn't accept her offer, maybe they wouldn't be able to make it work after all, but that had to be Nikki's choice. She couldn't run again.

But wasn't that what Fet would believe she was doing?

She wasn't, she truly wasn't, the idea of leaving him behind entirely would shatter her. But neither could she say, "See ya, if this doesn't work out then I'll come back" because nobody deserved to feel like second choice.

Dutch knew what she needed to do. She just had no idea how to explain it; the reasons weren't even fully coherent in her own head. Only the instinct.

Pen hovering over paper, she started the note in her head dozens of times. 

Then he was there, and she knew that she'd better learn to translate whatever was swirling around in her mind right now, because there was no way she could hide this from him long enough to sneak out the next time she was alone.

So she set the notebook down. She'd only gotten one sentence out-- "I will see you again", and she'd meant that with her entire heart; whether she encountered him again alone or with Nikki by her side.

And later today or a week from now he would pick up the notebook, would see that she'd signed that brief note with her given name, and hopefully he'd know everything she hadn't been able to say.


End file.
